It Ended In The Dessert Somehow
by Crack-fics-oh-my
Summary: Crack!Fic Voldemort has some unreasonable claims, although he goes about it quite reasonably. OOC (unfinished)


Far away, where no one can hear, Harry Potter woke up in the Australian desert.

*Flashback*

5 days earlier…

He was in the Burrow with Ron playing checker. Even though wizards don't play checkers Harry had given up on chess and thought the muggle way was so much more fun.

"I win!" Ron exclaimed as Hermione burst into the room, panting with an extreme look of terror on her face. She started jumping around the room attempting to catch Harry and Ron's attention but they weren't listening because Harry had burst into tears after losing and Ron was comforting him.

"There, there" Ron said kindly, patting him gently on the back. "Do you want Frankie?" Harry looked up with puffy eyes and nodded. Ron gave him a small old teddy bear. Meanwhile, Hermione was still jumping like a maniac. Soon she lost patience so grabbed 'A History of Magic' and pegged it at Harry which made him cry more.

Ron was startled by the unfamiliar book and finally noticed Hermione. All of a sudden there was a great Whoosh noise and Ron looked back to see Harry had used Ron's old teddy bear as a tissue. Hermione had just realised what she had just done to her beloved book and rushed to pick it up, then stroked its spine and kissed it. Then she had remembered what she had come into the room for.

Meanwhile Ron was disgusted by the vandalism to his teddy bear; he picked it up by its ear and chucked it away while nursing Harry's head. Hermione opened her mouth to burst out what was wrong but the teddy bear hit her with force and knocked her head onto the kitchen bench.

Harry hardly noticed she was unconscious because Draco Malfoy had just stumbled into the room with terror on his face. He was just about to tell them something but he tripped over Hermione and hit his head too.

Harry was now having a tantrum and slamming his fist on the wooden floor. Ron didn't know what to do so he decided to have his own tantrum.

Ginny came down the stairs and looked at the scene in front of her but she didn't notice Hermione or Draco, so as she walked across the room she tripped over Hermione and landed on Draco as he began to stir.

"Why hello" said Draco sheepishly.

But Ginny was also unconscious because she had hit her head against Hermione's head. Meanwhile an unknown house elf had apparated into the room. It was trying to say something very important. "Can't say! Can't say! Masta wood kill me fore shore!" It screamed to itself while smashing its head against a lamp.

Ron finally recovered from his tantrum and grabbed the lamp off the elf which caused the elf to smash his head on Draco's head instead, they both became unconscious.

Harry suddenly burst into more tears because Draco had just hit on Ginny while Ron thought it was very suspicious that they all had something to tell him. He looked out the window and gasped…

Voldemort himself was walking up the driveway, wearing a smart suit and was holding flowers, as if he was going to a wedding.

Behind him was a huge army of Death Eaters, Giants, Dementors, Inferi, Dragons and many more. Voldemort made a gesture for them to stop and he walked to the kitchen door and tapped smartly on the wood. Ron opened the door and Voldemort said "sorry to bother you this fine evening, but May I kill you?"

Ron seriously considered this but couldn't make up his mind so he said "Just one moment please. I will go ask my mummy" Ron skipped back into the house and hopped up the stairs. Voldemort waited patiently with his silent army standing behind him.

Voldemort was just fancying the Weasley's unusual clock when Ron came back. "I see your clock faces are on 'mortal peril' we can't have that!" said Voldemort politely

"Yes, it always does that when Dark Lords want to kill us" Ron replied smartly "oh, and mummy said; sorry, not today, busy"

"Why that's ok, my good man!" Said Voldemort "I shall just have to come back tomorrow!"

With one last glance at the innocent figure of Ron, Voldemort and his army trooped back down the driveway. Ron watched them as they disappeared into the distance.

Hermione then woke up.

"Ron!" she gasped

"It's ok!" he replied "the army is gone"

"What army?" replied Hermione.

Ron and Hermione exchanged confused looks. At this moment Harry had finally recovered from his tantrum and stuck his head between Ron and Hermione's. "Has anyone seen Frankie?" he sobbed, looking from Ron to Hermione.

Hermione pointed at Draco who was now also using the teddy bear as a tissue. Harry made a dive and grabbed Frankie out of Draco's arms in mid air.

"Get your own tissue!" Harry bellowed at Draco which made his eyes fill up with tears.

Harry was disgusted that Frankie had pure-blood snot on it and he stuck it in the kitchen sink for a quick wash.

Meanwhile, Draco was also disgusted that he had shared a tissue with a half-blood! Then he remembered what he had come for.

"Oy! Blood traitor!" began Draco

"Shut up!" shouted Ron and he knocked him over the head "Hermione and I are having a special moment!"

"Hermione?" said Hermione "… who's Hermione?"

"Oh, no!" said Ron "Harry! Hermione has memory loss!"

But Harry wasn't listening; he had just finished scrubbing Frankie clean and was now spraying him with rose perfume.

Then, Kreacher walked in.

"The blood traitor is caressing the mudbloods head! How could he touch such filth!" mumbled Kreacher "And the Potter boy, washing an old teddy bear as if it was his best friend!"

Harry heard these words and thought Kreacher was right. He should be washing his best friend! Not his teddy tissue! Harry walked across the kitchen and picked Ron up by his collar and shoved him in the kitchen sink. He started pouring perfume over Ron's head and was scrubbing it into his fiery red hair

"The Potter boy has gone nuts!" mumbled Kreacher "the one to save us from the Dark Lord has finally turned insane! Maybe… If I can get him to give me some clothes…"

Meanwhile, Harry was now in the middle of brushing Ron's teeth and gelling his hair. Ron looked like he was quite enjoying himself while Harry attempted to tie his hair in a ponytail.

"What are you doing?" said Hermione dreamily

"I've found myself a teddy bear! That talks AND walks! Replied Harry enthusiastically while carefully adding lipstick onto Ron's lips.

"Hey Hermione, you don't happen to have eye shadowing cream or something, do you?" Harry asked Hermione while circling up Ron's hair.

"Ooh, I fancy those!" Ron exclaimed, looking up.

Ginny then woke up to see Ron looking ghastly.

"Who's Hermione?" said Hermione. Ginny walked up to her and said kindly "ok dear, I think its nap time" she took Hermione upstairs and when she came back she found Ron with nail-polish on.

"Get Ron out of the sink, Harry!" snapped Ginny

"You're just jealous!" Harry bellowed back.

Ginny ran across the kitchen and slapped Harry.

"Oh my god!" screamed Harry "that hurt!" he put his hand against his cheek, and then he saw Ron. "What is wrong with me!?" he gasped.

Harry looked at the mess he had made with Ron, who now looked like a girl.

"Oh god! I must've looked like an idiot! ... There must be something in the PUMPKIN JUICE!" screamed Harry accusingly.

"Ginny, can I try on your clothes?" asked Ron

"Ron! Snap out of it! Harry, I just found out… Hedwig is gone!"

Harry burst into tears at once and ran out of the room. Everyone watched him go in silence. Finally Ron broke the silence "Ginny, did you say I could try on your clothes?" He asked while making to grab the end of her sleeve.

"RON! IF YOU TUG ONE MORE TIME, I WILL SERIOUSLY-"

Started Ginny but then Harry bounded into the room.

"Ginny! Ginny! Voldemort just gave me this!"

They all looked at the letter in his hand; Harry opened it and began to read…

_ To whom it may concern… (Boy who lived)_

_I, Mr. Unknown, have taken your bird and I expect one thing in return if you want it back._

"She's not a bird! She's an owl!" wailed Harry

"Shut up and read!" replied Ginny

_In return, I want Ron. If he is not gift-wrapped and put on the front steps of Malfoy Manor in 3 hours, your bird will become my dinner._

_Yours sincerely_

_You-Shouldn't-know-who._

_"Hedwig!" cried Harry "wh_o is this thief!"

"I don't know" replied Ginny "the letter doesn't say!"

"Well" said Harry "whoever he is… I shall find him!"

"How do you know it's a He?" asked Ginny

"MR unknown… MR!"


End file.
